Surfelport.com, I have no idea what any of this means…

For the past 10 years, I have frequented 7-Eleven in the mornings. Every morning, like clockwork, I purchase a 20oz cup of coffee. I pour 4 Hazelnut packages in it.

I know what you are thinking, why not use the open jug on the counter instead of the to-go versions?

Because that is my system. 20oz, 4 Hazelnut to-go packages. And I pour the Hazelnuts in first, before the coffee, because I like to watch the coffee turn that light shade of milky brown immediately.

Many years ago, I realized that while 7-Eleven is one of the greatest stores ever conceived, it has one major flaw: The Clerks that commonly run it could give three shits less about customer service. I always feel as though they hate Americans. Not trying to be rude, just a feeling.

So anyways, about 7 years ago, I got into an argument with them. I came in on an early run, grabbed my coffee precisely as I had every morning prior. When I approached the register, the guy behind the counter immediately yelled at me.

“YOU PAY MORE. YOU ONLY GET ONE CUP MY FRIEND!”

Ok, basically, this guy is upset that two cups had stuck together. So I kindly explain to this guy that sticky cups aren’t my fault and that I will only be held accountable for one cup. Period.

So the guy rings up two coffees. I instead lay down $1.50. And I tell him:

“This is all you get.”

I leave.

Well, because this fucking store is on the right side of the road and en route of my job, I have to keep going. Every day I get the silent treatment from them. Sometimes, instead of ringing me up, they talk about me in Arabic and suddenly have to go “sweep the floor,” or “change the coffee out,” while I just stand at the counter.

I call this Broom-terrorism. Basically, they pick up the broom when they are mad at you and go to other parts of the store, forcing you to stand there. I have actually theorized that this hurts the economy because it makes people late. But whatever.

This goes on for months. It’s really irritating, because they know I will not change my routine. And I refuse to call a truce with them. I have spent thousands of dollars in this store and these guys can’t look past one cup?

So later I find out that they are responsible for paying for the cups. Well, it was stuck to the bottom, and furthermore, that isn’t customer service. If someone frequents your establishment, why not give them a break? And this is just one incident in a long line of incidents. These guys get really worked up over crazy stuff, like if you put a Reese’s Pieces back in a Snickers rack, they will come over and get on your case.

Fast forward to two weeks ago.

So after I had a break up with the ex-girl, I had to move. Conveniently, the 7-Eleven is perfectly placed on the right side of the road on my way to work. Perfect.

But this time, I decide to try to keep things on good terms. I need them, they need me, I want to leave it at that. I want peace in the world. I mean, even when the girl I am seeing has been in my truck and we stop there, I tell her, “let me handle this, just stay in the truck.”

I risk nothing. No room for error when dealing with these guys.

So I start frequenting. Probably the second or third time I am in there, I am offered a new special. Little did I know at the time, but I was essentially making a deal with the devil.

Here is the deal:

When you buy a 20oz cup of coffee, you are eligible for a breakfast sausage for an additional 50 cents. That means $2.00 a morning, plus I get the sausage. So I decide to do it. And what do you know, it taste fabulous. It is slightly spicy, but just melts in the mouth. However, after a few days of doing this deal, I notice that I am getting heartburn around 11am.

Because of this, I decide to terminate the deal. Easy, right?

Not so fast. The first morning I go in, homeboy ask me about the sausage and I tell him, “nah dude, just the coffee.”

“Why not my friend?”

“Just changing things up, you know.”
I say

“No, I do not understand you say it taste so wonderful.”

“Ok, you got me dude, I did say that. But I now want to make a change. Thanks.”
I reply

This just goes on and on and on…all while people are in line waiting to check out. He finally rings me up and then doesn’t say “thanks.”

This continues on for the next two weeks. He ask me why I don’t want it. Calls me out every morning in front of all the 7-Eleven faithful just trying to start our days, until he finally just gives up and starts ignoring me. And of course, makes me wait at the counter while he “changes the coffee and sweeps.”

I am really upset at this point because I gave a valiant effort to keep things on good terms. And all I did was delay the inevitable because I made a sausage deal with the devil. Well fuck me. Now they were back to Arab Sweeping torture.

Seeing I have been through it before, I don’t sweat it. I just leave a little earlier in the mornings. I mean, life is good, I refuse to let this type of thing bring me down. It can’t get any worse, right?

Oh man.

The other day I go in, same routine unfolds. Only this time, I totally miscalculate where the 20oz cups are and grab the larger version. I pour my 4 Hazelnuts in, and then quickly notice the error of my ways.

Fuck.

Not good at all. I feel little beads of sweat form on my forehead.

Ok, so I look up and notice that he isn’t looking and no one else is at the coffee counter, but I do see a lady heading that way. Now, I don’t like the guy at all, but for some stupid reason, I don’t want to screw him out of the cup count at the end of the night. So I just slide the cup aside. I could have thrown it away, but I didn’t because I thought I was doing the right thing. And no, I wasn’t about to pay for it.

So I head over towards the counter, prompting him to grab his broom. I see him make way over to the coffee counter and freeze.

Fucking right, he totally sees the cup!

So he raises the cup and ask me, “is this cup yours?”

Immediately I deny all relations with the cup. Fuck it, what can he do?

So he ask the lady if she saw what happened and she claims ignorance. Then, instead of coming over to ring me up, he heads back to main office, the cup in question in hand, and shuts the door.

For all my years of going to 7-Eleven, I have NEVER seen these fuckers leave the entire store unattended. Ever.

He then walks out with the cup. Keep in mind, I am waiting at the counter to pay this entire time. Then he finally makes his approach to the register, when he arrives, he lays a VCR remote on the counter and looks at me.

“I know my friend.”

Hahaha Well fuck me sideways, this guy went in the back and reviewed footage! Haha He says this as there is a line forming at the counter and everyone is staring at me. The fucking guy basically opened a full fucking investigation over a paper coffee cup!

Damn haha

So I say back, “come on dude, I really gotta go. I come in here everyday.”

So he expresses that he has evidence. Haha

So I say, “look dude, I have no idea about the other cup. I am paying for one cup. 20oz.”

I mean, this guy was essentially putting me on trial right now. haha

Of course, people are aggravated so I say to the lady behind me, “I guess there is a 7-Eleven cup investigation going down, they may dust for fingerprints.”

Of course, that doesn’t go over well with him and another dude comes out of the office and they both mill over the cup in Arabic.

So after they are finished convening, he says, “I make you deal.”

Then the guy walks away from the counter that is now like 6 people deep, grabs the cup, rinses it out and places it back in the stable of cups!

That was my deal! I got to wait in line for 3 more minutes with people pissed off behind me…well, except one lady that kept laughing at me! haha

As soon as I got back to my laptop, I went to 7eleven.com and tried to find a new 7-Eleven. Guess what? None. And you think they were bad then? Try now. Every time I make my coffee, homeboy comes over with the broom and starts sweeping at my feet, as well as hovering over me.

Oh well, at least he doesn’t hassle me over the sausage anymore.